Grace by Claire

Tonight I sit here reflecting on so many things after seeing that it has been since May 2011 that I have written my last post.  How in the world did I let almost two years pass without writing?  I have had the desire, just not the "time."  In my mind "time" means the amount of my day coupled with the desire.  I had the desire, but the perfection (the dreaded word) got in the way I suppose.  Perfection...exposure to the world.....looking like I have it all together.....that my house is spic and span.....organized.....healthy, pre-planned meals made.....no wasted time on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, or whatever it is that I choose to use to avoid what REALLY needs to be accomplished......the perfect quiet time to be with God.....exercising.....organized family activities.....seasonal arts and crafts.....reading everyday with the kids.....and don't forget doing ALL of this with ALL SMILES!  So, here's the imperfect blog post on random thoughts and ideas from my imperfect mom-brain.  Beware.....just sayin'.

If you are like me, a mom of elementary aged kiddos with many activities, we run from day-to-day, activity-to-activity, meeting-to-meeting, and at the end of the day we curl up not with a good book or our spouses, but with the rest of the world on whatever social media site we choose.  We see what everyone else is "updating, pinning, tweeting, or snapshotting on instagram."  Do you ever feel like a complete train wreck when looking at what others are doing?  I sure do!  If it's not the wonderful Easter crafts that I am lucky to remember I pinned in July, or the do-it-yourself Resurrection Eggs (we have the store bought version that I have to remind myself to do, on my iPhone calendar....with alerts;  it's the other things that we Moms put ourselves through.  So often I find myself in the nasty cycle of the "not good enough mom."  Well, you know what?  I have to realize that I will never make the bazillion crafts I have pinned on Pinterest, have my children help prepare food while teaching them the many values of balanced meals, or even how to say the most precious, perfect bedtime prayers.  And, you know what??  (I do realize the importance of NOT starting a sentence with "and," but whatever...) God is not keeping score on those things for me and for that I give a 3 cheers!  God doesn't keep score on anything~He just wants each one of us to live a life pleasing to Him, honoring Him with our actions, big or small.  In my world, I see my efforts as "good try, Laura!"  However, lately, I see these efforts as pleasing to Him just as long as I am doing them for the right reasons.  There is passion behind many of my actions, and in those passions I know that I am pleasing God.  Sometimes those passions lead to a not-so-great outcome.  So a meal turns into a complete FLOP, (me lately), who cares!  Grab the cereal and milk....voila!  Instant meal!  So a child falls asleep after a long, fun-filled day without actually having a nourishing meal to leave them super full until the morning.....oh well.  They were far more tired than hungry, obviously!  Let them sleep!  We could beat ourselves up over so many different things daily.  As long as our love was there, passion was evident, and doing the right things for the right reasons, I think that's pretty darn good!

Tonight, after sweet Claire's bubble bath, I was reminded of how children have such faith and rarely give up on their parents.  If I only had the faith of a child on a daily basis!  Claire wanted me to French braid her hair, so I promised I would try after she got out and her tangles were combed.  (That's a gigantic task within itself that has to be tackled with tons of faith already, just so you know!)  I started to section off the parts of her long, damp hair and she began to sing a little sweet tune that she was making up as she sang, "Don't give up, never give up, lala, something like that...." It was so sweet how she had so much faith in me as I tried once again to French braid.  I grew more and more frustrated as I tried maneuvering her hair in several different ways.  Then, I heard her sweet little song change.  The tone stayed the same, soft and sweet, as the words were altered.  It went this way, "Don't ever give up, never give up, never give up like my Mom just did....lalala!"  I had to chuckle, but then I felt a bit like a failure, like I had let her down, I couldn't live up to her expectation.  I COULDN'T FRENCH BRAID HER BEAUTIFUL HAIR!  Ugh!  But as I said earlier, her song changed, but the tone, the sweet, soft voice never changed.  Hmmmm......
Then, a song came to me later after she was all jammied up, snuggling up on the sofa watching her favorite show.
"Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me!  Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me!"  This was being repeated over and over in my head.....coincidence, I don't think so.  I was reminded of how our children love unconditionally, have amazing faith not only in us, but in God, and trust beyond my imagination!  She had full faith in my ability to braid her hair and it surprised her that I couldn't, but never skipped a beat and went on with her evening.

Perfection is something that we cannot achieve!  If we were perfect, what would we have left to accomplish?  Our time might as well be over.....since we've achieved the ultimate.  Imperfection, I have found, is a gift!  When we find something we aren't good at doing doesn't mean we are failures...we are loved and trusted to another task and who knows what that is.  We are given grace for the moment and that will sustain us.  That was evident as Claire's words in her song changed, but her tone and sweet voice never did.  I see God that way....he may say, "Well, Laura, you gave up, but I will always love you, have faith in you, and know you can do whatever you set out to do."

Tonight, I was given the precious gift of grace by Claire.  Even though I couldn't braid her hair perfectly, she accepted it, extended sweet grace, and continued through her activities.  This, this gift, sweet friends is how I see God looking at us each time we fall, each time we think we have failed, and each time we think we can't do some task at hand.  God extends His love, trust, and ultimate grace for the moment to sustain us. This is GOOD NEWS!  With this good news we can press onward to the next amazing opportunity God has planned for us and know that it doesn't always have to be perfect in OUR sight because we are already precious children in HIS sight.  Remember the song, "They (We) are precious in His sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world."

...making memories 2012

Memory making.....

It's something I always strive to do, but oftentimes fall short. Yes, we have memories, but many times it's because of the disaster that followed the event and so forth. I have good intensions, but we know where those lead us. While packing our family for our Spring Break vacation to Red River, I had the dread, frustration, and mountains of decisions to climb. When I say dread, it's the usual Mom packs, kids run wild, mom gets frustrated, raises her voice, and we all sit in wonder of what the hell were we thinking when we decided to take a family vacation and drive 9.5 hours to ski?!?!

Well, looking back on our trip I am so very grateful for our ski trip and our time together as a family. Yes, the trip was long. Yes, the trip was full of bags, bags, and more bags. Yes, it took FOREVER to dress the kids in their warm ski gear and watch in awe as they bumbled down the walkway not knowing how to walk in ski boots. Yes, we had chaos at times of rest and meals. However, despite the usual family frustrations, (I pray that I am not just talking about myself here), we have to look past the frustrations and grab the moment, the very moment our child smiles as a result of doing something new for the first time, meeting a new friend and seeing the joy in the acceptance, we have to laugh at the messy times and then grab the camera and capture all that is new. Each moment, each second is new, and to live in that moment, we have to put aside all of our past, our expectations, our worries, and grab our little moments and soak in them.

One priceless tool that helps me "be in the moment" is my camera. I LOVE to capture photos of anything, because each photo is unique and has it's own meaning. I found myself craving my camera as we were skiing on the mountain to capture the fun we had as a family. (Now, if you have skied, you know that skiing with a large, complicated camera is a little challenging.) I only had my phone to rely on, and that wasn't the greatest device to get close up shots of the kids. I had to deal and know that behind those "not so great shots" were memories of what they were doing, the chuckles Regan and I shared as we tried to get shots and see what they were learning. Photos can never be perfect, but the photos through life have more meaning to them than the zoom, lens, or even camera type. It's our personal camera, or our perception, of the moment that enhances what the outcome becomes.

I look at our photos from our family vacation and I cherish each of them knowing that behind every crazy, unpredictable photo lies a beautiful memory that we will hold close to our hearts as long as we live.

A New Year and a New Beginning......

Happy New Year 2012! Wow, isn't it interesting to enter a new year and reflect on the past 12 months? As I look back, I remember how Regan and I thought the same thing last NYE looking back on 2011.....how we were so glad to see that year pass. Here we are once again, a new year, glad again to see 2011 in our past. Why is it that we are able to look back with regret much easier than giving thanks that God included us to experience it all? Where would we be if 2011 hadn't panned out to be what it was......I have to wake up and look at it in a different light. If it weren't for what we have experienced, we wouldn't be where we are right now at this very second. When I say this, I have to also tell myself, "Laura, it's not the "physical" where you are....as it is all of the "other" where you ares...." (hope this all makes sense in my crazy words...)

Now I look into the future. I have to be honest as I type this...it's much easier to look to some of the bad "what ifs" of what the future might hold. As 2012 is well underway, I pray to look at the wonderful possibilities which lie ahead and not the "what ifs" of this dark, broken world.

Earlier in the Advent season, I had some deeper thoughts (for me) throughout the fast-paced craze of Christmas preparations. Our family was preparing to light the Advent candles one Sunday and that week I read over the liturgy. Honestly, I looked at it as just words that first time, but as Sunday morning approached, I had some sort of sentiment towards the words I would read....about Mary.....about how she was willing to accept God's call to do what he had in his plans for her.....to have the courage to fulfill God's call.....how scared Mary had to be to bear the Holy Child, the Son of God, the Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace....

...and yet, she did just that! She accepted the call. How many times have I thought to myself that there is NO WAY in the world that I can do any difficult task, large or small, just because it was unfamiliar, scary, and the honest fact that it was just too much work for me? I am embarrassed to say that the times are numerous.....but I look now to the task that was in front of Mary and see my difficult tasks in a different way. If Mary was willing to fulfill this huge call, as scary as it was, than surely I can press forward with the willingness to fulfill the calls that God has placed before me and respond with "Here I Am, Lord..."

May your 2012 be full of fearless tasks waiting to be approached with joy and amazing willingness that each of us can accomplish as we look to Mary and what she was willing to do.

In love, peace and joy for 2012,

Laura

Honey, it's the little things........

Well, obviously it's been a while since I last posted. So many things have come and gone and some have come and stayed. I sit here tonight with one prevalent idea in mind.....the little things.

Several years ago I dreamed of becoming a stay-at-home mom. Many times I would find myself in my own little world wondering what it would be like to be a mom who could take my children to school, pick them up, be at parties, participate in the many various activities, and on the list goes....

Today was Cameron's Christmas party at school. With anticipation, I prepared for the fun morning with my dear sweet friend. As we prepared I prayed the children would find joy in the activities we planned. That was evident this morning. I enjoyed being with these sweet kiddos during the party and rekindled my love for the classroom on the other side of the teacher's desk-as a mommy. I loved seeing these children as they were, children, with no expectations other than having fun and enjoying celebrating Christmas and the magic it has to offer. Watching them in their conversations with each other brought joy to my heart since as a teacher oftentimes I saw the fun sides, but it was immediately crushed with the tasks that lay before us.....school, tests, academic expectations, numbers, grades, etc. Yes, all of those things matter, however, if we constantly focus on those "things," we miss the little things. These little things come to me in smiles, laughs, the way my children's eyes glisten when they look to me, the awe in their faces when they see something beautiful, the surprising look on their faces with an unexpected visit from a friend, the pure joy when they see a task completed that they never thought possible, the sweet, peaceful smile at the end of a long day when we say our prayers and exchange hugs and kisses.

One "little thing" that was (at the time) a little frustrating I will admit, was at the end of the Christmas party. My big 8 year old boy was sitting at his desk just coloring along......I bent over to say my goodbyes and try to steal a kiss on the cheek when I saw his sweet blue eyes and fluttering eyelashes look to me and say, "Mom, I don't want you to go." I immediately thought, oh no, what's going on.....

Then he continued on......saying the same thing several more times. I found it to be strange at the time because I have never experienced this, for I was always running from one crazy task to another not even picking up on these "little things." As I pulled away from school, I shared with my friend the sweet fact that our babies really do want us around and sometimes don't even care to hide those feelings. This, my friends, is what I give thanks for today.....that my little boy wants me to be around, hang out, and be there. I know that someday the tables will turn and life will get more complicated, but I can look back and see that it was the "little things" that mattered most.

As we spurred the children along in their bedtime routine I reminded Regan that it's the "little things" that are important not only to us, but to the little ones that follow in our footsteps. It's the ginormous stack of pillows that he wants to show me before bed that he's proud of.......the sweet little things! I pray that when he is grown I will continue to get phone calls celebrating the little things in his adult life.....a mother's dream come true.

change.....it's really ok

Change......it's not always easy even when it's the change for which we have prayed.

I sit here thinking of what all I accomplished this week, or not. You see, my life as a teacher has ceased for now and I have become a stay-at-home-mom.....or my new term: never stays at home mom. At the end of these days sans children (since they are at school), I find myself analyzing my accomplishments and items checked off of my to do list. More often than not I see the heap of items I have not successfully finished......or in my world, even started. Anyone relate to this, or am I nuts?

The days that were chunked into two/three sections are now broken into many sections which are incredibly haphazard when it comes to planning. It's a goal of mine by the end of the holidays to get a decent schedule in place so I can rest easy in the things I have accomplished and at the end of the day say, "Well done, Laura. Whatever didn't get done today can move to tomorrow." And in that, I can be okay and enjoy a less than task driven life. Life is not about portraying a human "doing." I want to be a human "being" and just be......

Be Still......

August creeps in as I type, I take a deep breath and realize that I have never been this calm in August. This August is unlike the past. This August I have been given the gift of enjoying my children and family 100%. School clothes, new backpacks, fresh new pencils, many spiral notebooks to be filled, and the anticipation of a fresh year in school for my babies are the things that are on my mind.

This year I get to be Mommy, Wife, friend, and just me. I am so excited for the new opportunities that await me in this new life for our family. I have gotten a lovely appetizer of this life during these summer months, and I am eager to be immersed even more.

Because of this gift, I have been able to watch my children in a way that I often times miss.....a way that allows me to sit in awe of the creations that God has given Regan and me. These times are precious and I am so blessed to be able to fully focus on the precious moments which include their funny faces, crazy art projects, Lego creations, fun pasta meals in the play kitchen, their amazing way to create an outfit (on their own), the way their eyes sparkle in the sun, their adorable tan lines, and to be re-introduced to their inner personalities. When I get caught up in life and all of the things that I think I have to accomplish, I find that my vision is blurred and I miss out on so much that is before me.

God, thank you for this wonderful opportunity to be still and know........

....a mother's dream for her daughter

I remember as a child....

.....my very first recital rocking my baby doll, Baby Red, in my orange and yellow sequined tutu on the stage in Wichita Falls

.....pictures with two childhood friends...Meredith and Leah in those same orange and yellow tutus

.....ballet recitals in a royal blue leotard, dark brown hair pulled back in the perfect ballerina bun, red lipstick, rosy cheeks, and an arm full of flowers

.....the hot pink and silver sequined suit with matching top hats dancing to "Heaven is a Place on Earth"

.....the black and silver striped horrible one piece leotard with bike shorts....ick and awkward

.....one word.....Caboodles!!!!

.....shiny black patent tap shoes with satin ties

.....perfect pink ballet shoes

.....jazz shoes

.....the nerves on recital day

.....the backstage giggles of us girls

.....an entire day of preparation with cute ballet bags full of the "perfect" makeup, hair products, and other necessities of a performer

.....the shining stage lights that were so bright it kept me from seeing anything but a huge fog in front of me

.....the eight counts in my head so I would not mess up on any part of my dance

As a mom I will remember......

.....preparing for my sweet 3 year old daughter, Claire, to be in her first ballet recital

.....anticipating the arrival of her first ballet recital costume

.....buying the very first pair of ballet shoes

.....looking for the ballerina Barbie to coax her into the studio on those challenging days that she only wanted Mommy

.....loving that she could take ballerina Barbie into the studio and let them "watch" from the wall

.....receiving the sweet ballet bag from her cousin, Katelyn, from her early ballet days

.....nervousness of getting tickets to her first recital

.....anxiety of getting the precious curls brushed out for the "perfect ballet bun"

.....putting makeup on my baby for many hours of fun pictures of her first night on stage of what she thinks is "The Nutcracker" aka...Nutcwaker

.....kisses and hugs to her sweet teachers upon arriving for class each week

.....Claire changing her favorite color from pink to blue due to her sweet blue Cinderella (Cindawella) ballet cosutme

.....knowing that I have always dreamed of having a baby girl to get dolled up for her first year of ballet and first ballet recital

Thank you God for the opportunity to be the mother of a sweet baby girl who loves girly things, all things pink, Princesses, the spotlight of performing, and the idea of being in "The Nutcracker" when it's her first recital. I pray for many more days ahead for her to grow up as a sweet ballerina!